Complaint: The Locked Office Bathroom

Dear Office Managers,

What the hell is with the locked bathroom doors? Alright, the only argument I can imagine you making is that you don't want people coming off the street to use your bathrooms. But 1. Perhaps your doorman should do their JOB and have people sign in. This would eliminate 98% of rogue bathroom use. 2. Do you think this would really result in a less managable bathroom? That word would get out that floor 8 has an unlocked bathroom?! And then people would smear poop on the walls? (Don't laugh, a kid at my elementary school did that)

This means that if I'm leaving your office and I want to unload the boys, I have to walk ALL the way down the hallway and then BACK to your office? And then I have to awkwardly acknowledge your secretary again? And what if I have a trail of toilet paper on my shoe? Or, as I often do, I forget to fully zipper my fly?

And consider this: I'm walking to the bathroom and I encounter an attractive lady who is checking me out (Just go with me) and she sees me carrying a 2 pound giant spoon attached to your bathroom key. This added weight will mostly likely mess up my stride. And odds are, she will be about 20% less interested.

You see, office managers, by unlocking your bathrooms you could help make the world a happier and better place. More relationships would clearly be initiated in the hallways. And who knows what we could do with 4 extra minutes per day? That's 28 minutes per week, 112 minutes per month, and 22.4 HOURS per year and over 4.5 YEARS of an average lifetime, my friends!

you could have a hand in helping cure cancer.

If you continue to cramp my style, I will be left with no choice but to start a widespread revolt; encouraging people to leave your idiotic bathroom keys inside the walls of your idiotic locked bathroom doors when they leave.

Thank you for your time

-Jeremy