Complaint: The Urban Outdoor Bluetooth Headset Wearer

Here's an idea: everyone should keep a roll of toilet paper on their belt, in case they need a wipe when they're not in the bathroom. We should also use turn signals when walking in hallways, just in case there's a traffic jam. If you want to be more descriptive, you should use sign language to enhance your coversation. The urban outdoor bluetooth headset wearer follows such logic, parading their mediocre technology on their ear when they will inevitably have to start screaming, cup both hands over their face, or switch to "rotary use" if they actually have anyone that wants to call them. The word's out, dudes... take it off.

* exempt: mail-couriers, FedEx employees, Ari Gold.

Salute: Wendy's Vanilla Frosty

FINALLY! It took you long enough, Wendy's. I have suffered silently for YEARS as I continually settled for watered-down chocolate frostys everytime I dined at the late Mr.Thomas' fine establishment. Don't get me wrong, it's served it's purpose, and a mildly delicious one at that, but lets be honest, it was slightly less mediocre than "You, Me & Dupree." We both know that the proletariat loves their choices. So, kudos for a step in the right direction. But keep exploring; fast-Food should be a democracy. I hope to one day live in a world where I can buy a combo meal that includes a Frescata, Sweet Potato Fries, a bottle of water, and a Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Frosty. And just so you know, even if I'm not saving any money, it makes me feel savvy if you tell me I can get it as a combo. Think Different. And please, for the love of God, bring back your Pitas.

Most intelligent "Snakes on a Plane" Thoughts

Courtesy of Esquire's Chuck Klosterman...

"People who understand film tend to appreciate cinematic failure. But here's the thing: This kind of appreciation is based on the premise that the bad movie aspired to be good. If a film never takes itself seriously and originates as satire, everything is different; its badness means something else entirely...

"[People] want to see Snakes on a Plane in order to tell their friends that it's ridiculous, even though a) that's the only thing everyone seems to know about this movie, and b) that's been the driving force behind its marketing campaign."

"It's not a bad movie that accidentally good, and it's not a good movie that's intentionally bad; it's a disposable movie that people can pretend to like ironically, even though a) it's not ironic and b) they probably won't like it at all. The only purpose of 'Snakes on a Plane' is to make its audience feel smarter than what it's seeing. Which add us, since that's part of the reason people like reading the Internet."

... and as much as I think he's right... I will still go see it.

Awkward encounter of the week

Me: Can I ask you the about the significance of your butterfly tattoo?

Acquaintance: Sure, but it's a really depressing story

Me: Why? Was it for a guy or something? Who was this guy?

Acquaintance: No.. no.. it wasn't a guy

Me: What, is it like your dead Grandma, or something?

Acquaintance: Yes

Me: Really?

Acquaintance: I went to Auschwitz. And a butterfly landed on my shoulder. And stayed there for over a minute. And my Grandma was really into butterflies.

Me: Oh, Uh, wow.

Best EP Album Title of the Week

Electric President, "You Have the Right to Remain Awesome: Volume 1"

..nothing more to say.

Complaint: The Locked Office Bathroom

Dear Office Managers,

What the hell is with the locked bathroom doors? Alright, the only argument I can imagine you making is that you don't want people coming off the street to use your bathrooms. But 1. Perhaps your doorman should do their JOB and have people sign in. This would eliminate 98% of rogue bathroom use. 2. Do you think this would really result in a less managable bathroom? That word would get out that floor 8 has an unlocked bathroom?! And then people would smear poop on the walls? (Don't laugh, a kid at my elementary school did that)

This means that if I'm leaving your office and I want to unload the boys, I have to walk ALL the way down the hallway and then BACK to your office? And then I have to awkwardly acknowledge your secretary again? And what if I have a trail of toilet paper on my shoe? Or, as I often do, I forget to fully zipper my fly?

And consider this: I'm walking to the bathroom and I encounter an attractive lady who is checking me out (Just go with me) and she sees me carrying a 2 pound giant spoon attached to your bathroom key. This added weight will mostly likely mess up my stride. And odds are, she will be about 20% less interested.

You see, office managers, by unlocking your bathrooms you could help make the world a happier and better place. More relationships would clearly be initiated in the hallways. And who knows what we could do with 4 extra minutes per day? That's 28 minutes per week, 112 minutes per month, and 22.4 HOURS per year and over 4.5 YEARS of an average lifetime, my friends!

you could have a hand in helping cure cancer.

If you continue to cramp my style, I will be left with no choice but to start a widespread revolt; encouraging people to leave your idiotic bathroom keys inside the walls of your idiotic locked bathroom doors when they leave.

Thank you for your time

-Jeremy

Salute: The Big Headphone Wearer

You have more courage than me. You don't care if you look ridiculous. It's all for the purity of the music. Ladies, look for the fellows who can wear big headphones on the street. They are the passionate ones who don't care what people think.